1-) Chew loudly. In fact, do your best imitation of a cud-chewing cow.
2-) Crack your knuckles. Just once is enough to irritate me, but you can always do it repeatedly on all fingers on both hands. Bonus points if you include your toes.
3-) While I’m watching an interesting movie in your company, constantly ask questions and always inquire as to what’s going to happen next. Do this regardless of whether I’ve seen the movie before or not.
4-) Be among the people who are not super-close to me, and bestow random cases of physical contact when I’m not expecting it or am not even open to it. Things like pokes, tickles and arm grabbing—-however gentle—-are all great ways to set off my irritation meter. Bonus points if I admit I’m very ticklish and your response is to try to tickle me. (And I won’t be sorry for whatever occurs to you as a direct reaction to that).
5-) Constantly and unapologetically interrupt me to the point where it’s impossible to finish what I’m trying to say. (Especially if your topic of conversation is not more important/interesting/educational than mine). This will always lead to a change of subject and make it too late to go back and pick up from where I was forced to leave off. You will know you succeeded in being an annoying jerk by my silence and non-commitment to listening to you anymore.
6-) If you’re Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rush Limbaugh and/or anyone who happily swallows their BS whole and thanks them for it.
7-) Be a fundamental religious nut and persecute others in the name of it, whether you are oblivious to that fact or not. I don’t care if you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish or a Pastafarian. (Although Pastafarians would be the last ones to take themselves seriously). Be an intolerant freak and base it solely on your religious beliefs. In fact, be a bigot in any way, religion-based or not. It all works.
😎 If something’s wrong, or if something needs to change, don’t come out and say it to my face. Just change your attitude and keep me guessing and feeling bad and confused. Commit this mantra to heart: “Who needs to be straight with people? It’s overrated.”
9-) Every time I meet you, never talk about anything good or positive going on in your life. Be very whiny. Do your utmost to bring my mood down as low as yours every single time.
10-) Take everything I say that doesn’t suit your fancy personally, and turn it against me however you can. Put words in my mouth. And make sure to invest a lot of energy in not listening to me when I try to explain myself further. It’s even better to label me after the kinds of people you don’t like, even if they don’t make any sense.
And now you’re set! Ten ways to annoy the ever-loving crap out of me. Engage in them if you want me to avoid you at all costs, or introduce you to my death glare, unfriendly sarcasm or my fists. Unless seriously warranted, do not expect an apology.
To be acquainted with my happy normal, simply avoid these, and I can almost guarantee we’ll have a pretty good time.