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Confidence

  What is it that makes some of us care so much about what others think? I know many people that don’t feel that way. They do what they want, and don’t care about what people say or think. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean they are jerks, I simply mean others opinions don’t directly influence the way they live. Lets say they see a silly hat and feel like wearing it. They will put it on and laugh at the strange looks they get. I on the other hand am completely incapable of doing this. At the first sign of a funny look, off comes the hat, to be put away for good.
  I think it boils down to confidence. A lot of people I know, believe in themselves and have a good self image. Either that, or they do a really great job at hiding their insecurities. (I know everybody has some) I have never particularly had a belief in myself or a good self image for that matter.
  I go about life imagining that people are secretly laughing at me. I think that the people that are nice to me start talking trash as soon as I’m gone. I believe that people tell me they believe in me, but actually have as little faith in me as I do in myself. I believe that most people deal with me out of pity rather than actual caring. I feel like a burden to everyone I know, even if I never ask for anything other than a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have many close friends, and of those that I do, I constantly find myself wondering what I have done to deserve them.
  I know I’m a good person and friend. I am kind, caring, compassionate, always there to lend an ear to friend or stranger. I am sensitive to others feelings, I usually know when someone needs help but refuses to ask for it, and I always try to weigh my words before I speak because it kills me to think I may have hurt someone’s feelings. I am a gentleman who would help someone out, even if it put me in a tough spot. (I have actually done this recently) I know all of this to be true so it boggles my mind as to why my brain tries to beat me down to the point that I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
  I have been this way since I was very young, and these feelings have stopped me from doing many things I would like to do. I routinely shut myself inside of my house by myself, so as to not bother the world with my presence. I don’t go to the movies, restaurants, concerts, or any other public venues. I do have the ability however, to circumvent my brain’s evil control over me if I really care about the person asking me to go somewhere. I will take my kids out to places that I would never go by myself, because I don’t want to burden them with the same mental issues that I have. If I happen to have someone special, I will go anywhere with them. I can muster up the courage to go out and I even end up having fun after the anxiety dissipates.
  I don’t understand why I can do this for others, but not for myself. I sometimes feel like I can because they deserve to be treated as though they are the most important person in the world, while I feel like nothing better than a dog turd in the yard.
  I understand that it is probably just another of my irrational fears, but I’m always worried that everyone is going to leave me, and then I’ll be truly alone. I don’t like to complain much because I understand that when people do that, others start to pull away because all you do is drag them down into your bottomless pit of dispair. So I get up and face the world with what seems like a positive outlook so that I may keep the friends I have.
  I do hope this gives you a bit of insight as to who I am, and how I truly feel. And to my friends who read this… I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and I am thankful for every moment of everyday that you care for me and stand by my side through thick and thin. Even if I don’t feel I deserve it.

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2 comments
  1. Sounds like you’re a giver. You rather shoulder the whole world than let someone else suffer on your behalf. When it comes to doing things for yourself, you don’t think you’re worth it to go through the trouble, therefore, you rather not. But there is nothing wrong with getting out of your comfort zone with the help of others. Embrace it. let others help you :p

  2. I agree but you dont have to worry so much what will happen of what others will think about you, I am sure you’re nice as the way you are that will not make others feel negative about it! 😉
    Nizam

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