There it was…just as I had imagined it: kind, gentle, warm, patient…exactly as the movies portrayed it and exactly as the “experience” spoke of it. There it was staring at me in the face for the first time. In the past, I thought I came across it many a times only to discover it as a fluke. However, this time it was real. It resided in an unrecognizable and inconspicuous area; a location so hidden that one can easily overlook if intentionally searching for it. Surprisingly, it had all the right qualities that mysteriously meshed with my impurities. And in some strange cosmic way it was designed specifically for me. The experienced stressed that it will always find you and never the opposite. They say that when the two crosses paths the force is so strong that nothing physical or emotional can rid the two of their compatibility…but what they don’t tell you is how unpredictable it can be. No one can create a blueprint of the outcome. Even with the pros and cons on the table, I closed my eyes and jumped the bridge…I took a chance with it regardless of where it could take me, or what I might become.
So when I recognized its presence that beckoned for me, I took it and ran without the slightest plan in place. I forgot the past and let it overtake me completely. The feeling I felt was so amazing and indescribable that even the slightest description would fail to justify its serenity towards me. No one or nothing could force me from the feeling it gave me…for I was a prisoner held in its captivity. All the passion, heart-felt emotions, and an unexplainable rush of purity kept me bound with no hope for escape. I gave up everything and invested my all to what I believed would ensure the feeling it initially gave me. I vowed every aspect of my life to it. I entagled my sanity in its arms. But what I failed to take in consideration or even accept was that everything has a price; and the price meant a never-ending cycle of ups and downs. Truth is — it was designed to hate me. As odd as it sounds, the reality of this concept only makes sense. Initially it comes across as trustworthy, loyal, and dependable, but once I was trapped in its cup…it reered its alter ego. I gave my heart and revealed all my secrets, in belief that it wouldn’t judge me and only accept me as I am….flaws and all, but in return the core of its existence revealed deep, darkend emotions of anomosity and anguish that would forever haunt me for as long as I continued to pursue it.
Overall, I exhibited the finer things, but was deeply rooted in hatred for the things I could not change….my past. It is jealous of my past. Why? Well, it too had a past that birth heart-break –it’s alter ego. But despite all that, I felt I could be the one to mend the two and bring them together that would in return kill it’s hatred toward me….so, my naiveness continued to pursue it..even after the weapons were thrown at me. I chose to follow my heart and keep it close. I would prove myself to be faithful, trustworthy, and reliable, but even after that, and all my efforts -they seem to burn in the fire. It tried to fight through its insecurities, so I continued to hang on to it and pursue it even more.
The mental breeze of hurt and betrayal constantly tapped on my door, but always nowhere physically to be found. Together the two fancied in my thoughts and dreams, but I just had to keep it close because I knew, or at least believed, it was designed specifically for me. As time went on, the more I pursued it, the more it continued to make excuses and find ways to disengage me from its circle, but at the same time, its force was daring and only drew me even closer.
I have never understood this journey I voluntarily took. The longer I hold on to it, the more I realized that physical pain is almost a luxury compared to its emotional counterpart. And because my sanity remains in its hands, insanity bangs on my door daily…hoping to collect the few pieces that’s left in me. What I spent years searching for took seconds to find me, and only moments to take over everything I had inside…
IT is LOVE and love is never painless…Only the strong survive, can you stand the countdown?